Cold Feet

So, today Pizzy and I decided to visit the Ironforge Airport! It's way up on the mountaintop, and they really don't allow civilians to go up there - something about being a military base or whatever. But Pizzy's all, I wanna see the airplanes! So, we totally found this little path that wends its way up the mountain in the northern part of Loch Modan, and we climbed and jumped and rode and ran until finally we were THERE!
Man, I forgot that spring comes to the mountains way later. Even though it was the end of April, it was FREEZING! The wind just totally cut right through you. I pulled my overcoat and hood on, but I was still chattering like a mechanical squirrel in an earthquake. Pizzy did his best to keep his arm around me to keep warm, but he was so excited about the airplanes! He told me about how technology has changed over the last several years and how today's designs were way better than this Second War stuff. It was like we were in a museum or something!

By that time, I think my face was turning blue, so we looked for a place to warm up. Those dumb dwarves totally had all their houses locked up though. I guess maybe the trolls like to invade them, or maybe they just need strong doors against the cold? I dunno. But finally we managed to get into the garrison building. It wasn't entirely enclosed, but at least there was a roof and some walls.

Pizmo got right to warming up my hands, rubbing them and breathing on them. He's so sweet. Then we shared some chocolate squares that I found during Noblegarden. Things got kind of romantic, as they usually tend to do. He wanted to make love to me right there, and all of a sudden - I dunno what came over me, but I'm like, great gyrochromotoms, what if he only thinks he loves me because of the physical intimacy? What if all there is to our relationship is sex? How the heck is THAT going to last?

He was so concerned, and probably with good reason. I've been nothing but confident and bold this entire time; I don't think he's ever seen weakness on my part. He assured me that there were emotional and cognitive components to his love, and then he had an idea. He suggested we abstain from sex for a couple weeks to let the other facets of our relationship grow, and then I could be assured that it wasn't just about the physical relationship.

We cuddled and talked for awhile, and then portaled back to Shattrath. Parting is always so difficult! I miss him so much in between our afternoons together. It feels kind of weird that we broke our usual pattern of talking followed by lovemaking, but I'm so amazed at Pizmo's willingness to do anything to make me feel comfortable. He really is a remarkable man.

A Rose is a Rose like a Nose is a Nose

Man! OK, so, I left the Tower a little while ago, because I stepped down as Emissary and some people didn't really get that I stepped down and they're all asking me to do stuff or whatever, and I'm like, dude, leave me alone. And I just felt it was totally time for a new start and everything.

The Tower is nice and all, but I've honestly felt closer to the Roses over the last several months than I have the Tower folk, so it totally only made sense to apply. So I did! And I got interviewed and then tonight I was FINALLY inducted! WOO!

So, I totally asked if they were going to do some wacky tihng that would totally embarrass me, cause last week there were a couple people inducted and they had to put tabards on each other which was of course totally awkward. So, I'm like waiting for it and waiting for it, and then they're like... NAH. And I'm like, come ON you guys, I totally prepared a song and dance for this very occasion. So I performed it anyways.

A Rose is a Rose like a nose is a nose!
And everybody knows!
That we should suppose that the Roseiest Rose is the one who truly shows...
Valor! Courage! Patience! Trust!
I could hardly wait, and now this is so great!
I'm gonna finally be a Rose! (There goes the planet)
I'll finally be a Rose! (Check out that tabard!)
I'm finallyyyyyyyyyyy a Roooooooooo-oooooose!

So that's that! I'm totally the newest initiate to the Order of the Rose. Cool, huh?

Oh oh oh, the sweetest thing

Guys, OK, Pizzy is like the sweetest man in the entire UNIVERSE. I'm so totally glad that we aren't fighting anymore. For SERIOUS. So, he totally buzzed me today and was like, did you still wanna get together and do stuff? And I'm like, well, for sure! And so he's like, what should we do? And I'm like, I dunno, so long as it's quiet for talking. And, well, you know, other stuff. So we took off for Zangarmarsh, which, of course, is totally where we met up last time when he said that I screwed up and needed to fix crap.

But this time it was totally different. I mean, it totally started off in awkwardville because, gosh, after everything that's happened, it's practically like starting over. And so, I told him about how my army TOTALLY beat up Vashj the other day, and we talked about how I'm totally not in the White Tower anymore, and how I like to help people out and stuff. And THEN, he totally gave me a Living Ruby! Just, like, as a random present - he found it in a chunk of adamantite and he thought I'd like it. Like it? Oh my GOSH! Those things totally go for 60+ gold before they are even cut, and it makes the totally amazingest gem EVER. He's so super sweet. And I like having his gems in my stuff cause then I think of him whenever I wear it. He smiled really big at that.
Then, he was like, I know I screwed up, and we should totally put past things in the past, but I'll just be quiet and let you talk, and I seriously though that he was going to cry right then. I mean seriously, we had tears there. And I felt TOTALLY awful, because it's like, I didn't want a quiet place so I could totally berate him or something - I wanted to chat because HELLO, how many weeks has it been and how much stuff has been going on? And he looked SO relieved. My poor, sweet, sensitive man.

So, I totally started telling him about my adventures in engineering, which I didn't think I'd be super good at, but I managed to cobble together a shrink ray and a mechanical squirrel, so maybe I'm not a totally hopeless case. Pizmo was totally proud of me, not just cause I was, like, getting into one of his interests, but also just that I'm trying new stuff and everything. He mentioned that he'd tried a bunch of different stuff til he settled on what suited him best, and maybe this was a step in a similar exploration for me. And he totally tries to do his bestest ever at everything that he does, which is SO totally awesome, and attractive.

He told me that he's happy for all the different things that are happening in my life right now, that it shows I'm looking forward to the future and not being rooted in the past. And then he told me that I should believe in myself, that I'm not just another woman or another gnome. He told me how special I was, and gifted. And... I mean, coming from someone else, it'd just be like, "oh, come ON." But it's Pizzy - he's like THE most sincere person in all of existence. And so it was just... amazing. And then he kissed me.

When he kissed me, it's like, I dunno, like a fire was lit or something, and all the weeks and weeks of missing and wanting and dreaming were lit up, and I couldn't have enough. It was so amazing to feel his touch and his kisses again. He made love to me, and I think it was a release for both of us - all that tension, all that nervousness, everything. I swear, when we finished, it wa slike nothing had ever happened. We fantasized about running away together, holing up somewhere for days with nothing but each other. It was just... I don't know. Wonderful. And the happiest I've felt in months.

DEAD SNAKE LADY

So oh my gosh, after what seems like forever of trying and being defeated like OVER AND OVER AND OVER again, my army TOTALLY defeated LADY VASHJ! Like, the queen of all Naga! Illidan's homegirl! Zangarmarsh's public enemy number ONE!
And I bet you thought that was all. Well, it's NOT! Because I TOTALLY recovered one of the VIALS of the WELL OF ETERNITY! It's stopped up pretty good so I can't experiment and see what kinds of fabulous things would happen if I drank it or washed my hair with it or something, but STILL! It's just like, dude! Here's a piece of history IN MY HAND! And physical proof that my army and I are FREAKING AWESOME!

Reconciliation

Man, what a day. So, I was chillaxing at Kaetta's house, getting ready for the huge meeting of uberness this evening, when Pizmo buzzes me on my comms and is all, can we talk? And I'm like, dude, hasn't he done enough? And so I tell him, look, I guess so, if you have read my letters, and if you'll, like, listen to what I say instead of getting bent on your own agenda, and we can have Grendrak come help mediate. And he's like, OK. And so he comes to Kaetta's house, because I really don't want to be leaving to go anywhere - I've been sick all weekend, hello!

Anyway, so Grenny sits down with us, and Pizmo was just a total ass to him. And then he started yelling back and forth with Kaetta, who was still in her house taking care of Wynni, and I'm just like, good grief, this is what I'm fighting for? But we FINALLY got him to shut up so we could actually address the subject at hand. I start trying to explain to him how his equations were wrong, but I'm not sure that really stuck. And so then I tried to explain how everything was worse because of his flawed conclusion, and I swear we were talking in circles.
So then Grenny pipes up and is recapping everything he's heard so far to make sure he's got everything straight. And of course Pizmo insults him again, but Grenny's awesome and is just like, whatever. Anyway, he pretty much has the gist of things from my end, and then Pizmo starts trying to explain his point of view uusing all kinds of weird abstract math, and my brain just kind of glazes over. But Grenny was TOTALLY following it! He's so rad!

So then Grenny starts talking about even MORE complicated equations and drawings, and I hear the bells tolling and I'm like, HOLY CRAP, the MEETING! And so I'm like, guys, we're making good progress and stuff, but I really have to attend this meeting, and you guys have to come with me. So we all hopped the gryphon for Stormwind. In retrospect, I guess I coulda made Pizzy give us a port, but I dunno how well the request would have gone over at the moment.

So anyway, we get to the Blue Recluse, and I'm saying hi to folks, and a couple people come to greet Pizzy and Grenny. I led them up to a table, and I notice that Pizmo is seriously freaking out with all the people there. Now, I was mad at him for being a jerk, but that didn't mean I wanted to give him a panic attack or anything. So I busted out this mechanical squirrel that I made the other day while I was trying to wrap my head around this engineering stuff before heading down to run the meeting.

We had REALLY good attendance at the meeting, which was so awesome. Tziva reported on the changes to the Greenwards requirements, and then it was time for the BIG CEREMONY. Stormy comes up, and I realize I totally forgot my notes, which was kinda freaky-deaky, so I kinda made it up as I went along. I hope it was binding enough or whatever. ANYWAY, so I swore Stormypants in as the new Emissary! I was officially no longer supreme commander of the universe! So crazy, can you believe it?

So, Hanman comes in and takes care of some business, and then the meeting is all wrapped up, so I go up to where Pizzy and Grenny have been sitting, and I guess they've totally been talking this whole time, which is good. And he's like, Mr. Grendrak totally filled me in that equations can be totally right and yet totally wrong if you don't understand the complexity at the beginning. And then he totally agreed with me that we needed a lot more positives to balance out the negatives. He told me how much he loved me and how stressful this last month has been, and how sorry he was that he had hurt me on Friday.

So, I'm trying to figure out what to think. I mean, last week I wanted to marry him and make him babies, and then this weekend I wanted to dump him and never see him again, and a couple kind words and apologies aren't just going to push everything away. He got hung up on the dumping part, though, and so while I was trying to explain to him that we were going to need to put in a lot of work to make things better again, he was tearfully begging me not to leave.

One thing that I've always loved about Pizzy is how sincere he is. Even if he's making up stupid things to try to impress me, or stumbling over his words or whatever, he's always been the most sincere person I've ever met. And I could tell he was sorry, and that he really did love me and couldn't bear for me to leave him after all this. And so... I didn't end the relationship right there. Maybe I'm a softie, but I think we can work this out. It's going to take a long time and a lot of effort, but we can do it.

I spent the remainder of the evening in his arms. It was kind of weird to be so close after all the disasters, but it felt so good. It felt so wonderful to be reconciled with him. I dunno how this is going to turn out, but we have hope again. And that's what counts.

A mithril frag bomb would have been kinder.

So. Um. I really don't feel up to writing anything but Kaetta says that if I get it out then I can start healing, or something. Whatever. So, Pizmo totally came back today after however many weeks, and I wish he had stayed gone so I could fantasize about tending his wounds or a joyous reunion or how touched and impressed he'd be at everything I've done since he's been gone. But no.

So, um, Kaetta asked me to come down to the World's End Tavern, and I'm like, um, kay, and both she and Pizmo were there, and I'm like, what the crap is going on? I felt weak in the knees when Pizmo took off his goggles, but then dread when Kaetta did the exact same thing. Kay, I thought he never wanted to be within like 100 miles of her after the debacle in Silithus, and now they're all acting in tandem? What the heck?

And then Kaetta totally starts LAYING into me, saying that she never should have been mad at Pizmo, she should have been mad at ME because she was jealous of him and I tossed her love aside and I'm like, is this a joke? We've TOTALLY talked about it before, maybe not in super duper detail, but I know - I KNOW I've totally asked her if it's OK to talk about Pizzy and stuff to her and she said it was OK. And what the heck am I supposed to say about her feelings for me? It's like if a furbolg confessed his undying desire for her. Would she be like, holy crap, that's the awesomest thing ever, or like, world of awkward?

But wait, it totally gets even better. She said that Pizmo had the idea that they should hurt ME to make everything even - that he suggested that he sleep with her to make me jealous. Are you freaking KIDDING me? Are we in KINDERGARTEN or something? I stepped on your foot so you're gonna poke me in the eye? And sleeping with her? SLEEPING with her? Is he out of his ever-loving MIND? Kaetta assured me later than nothing happened, not even kissing or anything, but still. STILL.

So I turned to Pizmo, and he's all smiling at me like, hurray, everything is awesome now. I'm like, what the hell is WRONG with you? I mean, trogg balls, isn't it enough that I debased myself begging for us not to take a break and then he disappears ANYWAYS? Isn't it enough that he didn't respond to any of my letters? That he sent back my packages? That I had no idea if he was OK and I ran all over two fel-infested worlds looking for him? How much more do we really need here, huh? Especially after I poured out my heart to him about how I'm afraid of being abandoned again?

And so then Pizmo's like, it's always about your pain! And I'm thinking, hello, you MADE it about my pain when you were all, "let's hurt Duerma to make it even, hur hur hur." But I tell him, look, I've been writing you letters, I've been sending you packages, I tried learning magery and engineering, I've been doing everything I could possibly think of without any feedback to try to make things better, but he doesn't even LISTEN.

Weeks and weeks I've been trying to fix HIS pain and he doesn't even see that, doesn't even care, and he's like, what do you know about my pain, reading your book and crap, and I'm like OH MY GOSH, have you even been LISTENING to what I've been SAYING? I've been TRYING to fix it. The fight with Kaetta was because I was so upset that she would hurt HIM. And that my part in it came because I was trying to protect KAETTA's feelings in the first place?

So then he's like, you're an ass because you tread on people's feelings like they have none, and I'm thinking, you SON OF A TROGG, don't you GET that EVERYTHING that has happened has been a result of me TRYING to care for someone else's feelings? And then he just teleports out of there, but not before he hugs Kaetta and compliments her. Seriously, what the crap.

I always thought that my reunion with Pizmo would have to be fantastically wonderful or fantastically awful to get me back to being friends with Kaetta, and I can't believe it was the latter. She and I talked for a long time. She told me that he really did love me, he just had really warped ideas about how to make things work out. That this was some kind of equation to be balanced. That he doesn't really know how to work out this social stuff. That he values my opinion.

Yeah, so, I was crying so hard that I threw up. Again and again. And when Kaetta told me about how he was courteous and complimentary of her, I threw up then too. Finally, I'm like, look, you better have some White Coven folk checking in on me this weekend, because I seriously don't anticipate being able to keep anything down. So she told me to come stay with her. Sure, whatever.

I loved him so much - love him so much - and this is how it ends? A month ago I was going to marry him and make him babies, and now I never want to see him again. Light. I'm such an idiot. I can't believe I actually thought I'd found happiness.

Where do I go from here?

So, I went to the last place on my list today, which was up to Bashir's Landing to investigate the prison cells up there. It's a lot easier now, since people are totally beating up the ethereals and stuff to try to recover the mana cells for the Shattered Sun effort, but it was still a pain to get the keys I needed to open things up. I found a bunch of weird creatures... but no Pizmo.

That's it. I'm out of ideas. I have NO idea where else he could possibly be. I don't know of any other enemies he might have or anything else. I really, really hope that he's not in trouble, because I sure can't rescue him if I can't find him.

There's this bard song that's totally been running through my head.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was he really here?
Is he standing in my room?
No he's not, 'cause he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

I swear, this is totally me. Pizmo, baby, where are you?