Operation: Free Azi!

OK, so, our appeals were totally not getting through, and that totally obnoxious priestess Stardew was totally getting in our way at every turn, so we decided that we'd have a HUGE party in front of the Temple of Elune! We had fireworks, and tonks, and robots, and noisy spells, and Mojo, and Goblin Gumbo, and a pony keg - we were SO incredibly loud! There was no way that they could miss us.

When we had been making noise for awhile, I totally gathered everyone together and made a speech in an incredibly bright spotlight.

We are totally here today to express our SOLIDARITY on behalf of our TOTALLY AWESOME friend, Azuria Do-rah'fulo! She has been taken against her WILL, imprisoned without knowing WHY, and treated as if she was as ILLIDAN HIMSELF! Friends, I ask you - is it JUST that Azi be imprisoned without charges?
Is it JUST that she be denied legal counsel?
Is it JUST that she be denied contact with the outside world?
No! I say unto you, this is totally NOT JUST! These are not the actions of an incorrupt legal system! Rather, I submit that these are the totally vindictive actions of a woman who has despised Azi from her very birth! A woman who is likely responsible for the disappearance of Azi's parents! A woman who has stymied our inquiries and appeals at every turn!
Priestesses of the Temple, Druids of the Claw! Citizens of Darnassus! I implore you to break free of the shackles imposed by Ms. Estrellani Stardew! Raise your voices on behalf of Azi - we will not be silenced as she was!

We demand TRUTH!

We demand JUSTICE!

Most of all, WE - DEMAND - AZI'S - FREEDOOOOOOOOOOOM!

I totally must have been really, really persuasive, because then this dude totally came out of the temple, and he was all, um, you guys are so right, and so we're gonna let Azi go, and you know what, we're gonna let her folks go too. And we were like, dude. And her aunt totally busts out and is like, YOU FOOLS, and we were all, sorry lady, we totally won. And so then we sat and waited and watched and then, finally, our girl Azi comes stumbling out.
Oh man, we were so totally pumped to see her. She looked kinda tattered and stuff, but she was so totally happy and excited to see us. But that totally wasn't the wildest part. Check this out:

Dude, you know who those people are? Azi's PARENTS! And it was totally wild, because they haven't seen each other for like 300 years or something like that, and Azi was totally just a little kid when they were taken away. And it was so amazingly touching and awesome, because they didn't recognize each other, and they just kind of slowly came to the realization that they were reunited after all this time.

They also totally recognized Estrellani, and it was totally weird - Azi's mom was treating it like it was just a game or something, and that she'd get her back, and it'd keep going around. And the rest of us were all, dude, you can't be serious, she totally deprived Azi of a childhood and you're like, ha ha, good one, sis? Dude, I so do not understand night elves.

Anyway, I figured that Azi was kinda shaken from her experience, and her folks would totally wanna get out of the same clothes they were in for like 300 years, so I jetted off to the Auction house to nab some cloth to whip up some clothes. (I ended up just buying a couple things straight out because man, I got a steal of a deal.)

So then, I come back, and give them the clothes, and Azi's dad is all, hey, let's put on the clothes the ugly midget gave us, and I'm all, EXCUSE ME? Do you know how much money I spent, how many favors I called in? The danger I faced in Serpentshrine Cavern as I strove to prove myself to the powers that be? I told him he had better be grateful and put on the damn clothes!

Stuff simmered down after that; we had a long chitchat in the moonwell about evolution and family and stuff. Turns out Azi had a little sister! (Her parents were all, what do you think we were doing in there for 300 years, playing parcheesi? Hee.) So Kitty-Kaetta, Grendrak, and I headed to Stonetalon and we totally summoned them and there was Azi's sister and it was all, holy crap!

She totally didn't even know she was adopted and stuff. Wild, huh? Grendrak and we gnomes went to spy on Azi and her sis as they were reuniting, and it was pretty sweet. Her sis seems pretty quiet; I wonder how she and Azi are gonna get along? And Azi's dad was just overwhelmed - after 300 years, his whole family is finally together. I mean, I know that 300 years is totally just a drop in the bucket for a night elf, but it's still gotta feel like a long time.

Anyway, it was totally getting late and I needed to head out, so I told the Azi fam that I was outtie. She hugged me and thanked me for everything. And yeah, it was a lot of trouble and everything? But it was SO totally worth it. Azi's free and has a family, all in one shot. I'm just so happy I could share in such a totally momentous occasion in her life!

To Darnassus!

OK, so, I was like, dude, I'm getting totally the OPPOSITE of useful info here, so I'm gonna head to Darnassus and see if I can't get to the bottom of this.

So, I totally went to see Archdruid Staghelm first, cause I've done more stuff for him. I got there and I was all, Fanny baby, remember how I totally got you all that Morrowgrain? And I totally had that chitchat with Elune about the wildkin and stuff? And how I TOTALLY kicked the ass of GENERAL RAJAXX over and over? I mean, come on, revenge is TOTALLY sweet, huh? And I asked him what the heck was shakin' with Azi.

And he was like, dude, Duerma, you've totally done tons of rockin' stuff for me, but I totally don't know what you're talking about, so you should scram cause I'm totally busy and stuff. Man. You think after totally OWNING his son's killer, he'd be all excited to chitchat with me, but you know, whatever.

So, then, I totally went to see Tyrande, and I'm all, hey, Ty-ty, remember how I totally helped your agents in Stonetalon - and then she was all, DUERMA, you TOTALLY helped me kick booty at Mount Hyjal, and I was all, I did? I mean, I SO TOTALLY DID! So, night elf legal dudes, the fact that Tyrande totally remembers me means that I'm going to be totally successful in getting into Mount Hyjal eventually here. Boy, time travel can be totally confusing.

ANYWAY! So I was like, Ty-ty, my homie Azi is totally locked up, and I totally can't even get a straight answer about WHY or WHERE or anything. What is UP with that? And she was like, Well, I totally don't know anything about that, but I'll totally look into it cause you'd rock my socks if I wore them. And I'm like, sweet!

So yeah, I'll totally let you all know what's shakin' soon as I hear back from Tyrande and stuff. I'll see what other strings I can pull too. I mean, what good is being a hero if I totally can't call in favors or whatever? Anyway, til next time! Toodles!

Letter to Azi's Captors

To WHOM it may CONCERN:
I understand that you have my TOTALLY AWESOME friend, AZURIA DO-RAH'FULO in custody! Seeing how Azi has taken great strides in promoting interracial relations, beyond what any government-licensed diplomat could do, I'm TOTALLY wondering what the deal is. She mentions she's on trial for crimes against her people - but WHAT, I ask, does that entail?

I am Duerma Whistlescrew, EMISSARY of the Order of the White Tower, one of the leading forces for AWESOME in the Alliance. I totally have a cloak sewn from the scales of Onyxia herself! I've totally reduced the Firelord to a hammer in a puddle of lava, the Windseeker to a dying breath, and Nefarian to a heap of ash. I've totally earned the favor of the Cenarion Circle and the Bronze Dragonflight, seeing Ossirian the Unscarred and the Twin Emperors fall by my own hand (well, and that of the army I was with). I totally even penetrated Kel'Thuzad's dread citadel, NAXXRAMAS!

Since the re-opening of the Dark Portal, I've been totally active in assisting the Cenarion Expedition, becoming even MORE exalted in their sight than that of the Cenarion Circle back home. I've totally LED an ARMY to crush the dark forces of Karazhan - we can TOTALLY have tea there sometime, if you want! - and the fearsome Gruul the Dragonkiller. I'm now leading an army to TOTALLY CRUSH Lady Vashj in the heart of Serpentshrine Cavern - we've TOTALLY already slain 3 of her lieutenants!

Why the heck am I telling you all this? It's not just to say "Hey, I'm a big cheese" because even though that's totally fun, that's also totally not the point. No. I have TOTALLY got a deal for you. So, you know how the Bronze Dragonflight totally controls time and all that? Well, NOZDORMU'S chief consort, Soridormi has TOTALLY said that if I can rescue the last two Vials of Eternity, right now held by VASHJ and KAEL'THAS, then she will let me go BACK IN TIME to help at the Battle of Mount Hyjal. I'm totally serious!

So here's my proposal, Night Elf legal dudes. In exchange for releasing Azi, I will TOTALLY go back in time and fight in her place. I'm so serious! It might take me a couple months to finish getting to them, but when you're dealing with time travel, does it really matter? This way, we both get what we want - my friend is released, and you have more manpower - er, womanpower - at the Battle of Mount Hyjal.

Let me know what you think! Otherwise, I'm going after Illidan Stormrage next, and that's much less useful to you.

Sincerely,